2016 was a year of many significant deaths. Death of a loved one. Death of many icons. Death of my long term relationship. ‘Long’ is subjective, I know. It was long to me, my longest relationship.
We had six challenging years together – cancer, business challenges, family disruptions, industry malice, and dealing with our character differences.
The loss of it all, at the very heart of it, was deeply painful. Regardless of the situation we were in, no matter how bad things were, the end of our lives together was one of the hardest things to come to terms with. This was the man I chose to be with regardless of what we went through, I always stuck by his side.
I remember the early days of our split, my heart was in so much pain physically. Some days, I could hardly breathe. Most times, the tears just flowed liked rivers. I could feel myself being sucked into the pits of darkness and depression. Every once in a while, I would try to fight it and let some light in. But all I really wanted to do was curl up in a dark hole and hope that I could just melt away into nothingness. I did not want to feel anymore.
I gave myself the month of December to come to terms with my reality. I struggled, I really struggled.
When 2017 rolled along, I got off my ass and started running. The old saying about getting endorphins when you run – yes, I needed that. I was then challenged by my friend’s dad to complete 200 runs this year. That gave me something to work towards to. And it took my mind off things. Another good friend suggested that I go for kettlebell class for a more holistic fitness experience. I also signed up for yoga package.
In a month, I felt changes that I’ve never felt before in my life. My mind felt different, I felt better equipped to handle anything. It used to be a battle to not spin out of control. I’m grounded now.
I moved out into a rental. I bought an apartment. I quit my job. I lost weight and toned up. I made many new friends, and reaffirmed old ones.
I was gaining control of my life back. I could make decisions on my own, trust in myself, and slowly rebuilt my confidence. I always knew I am the best person to have around in a crisis, because I am the fixer. I fix things for others. I never thought I’d be able to survive my own crisis and come out relatively unscathed. Of course, this was not possible without my tribe.
Life is good now. I am more at peace. I am no longer saddled by worries and frustrations. I am back to being my own person.